helloworld;

you have left me speechless! i am astounded by every single thing that happens on your surface. WOW WHEE world, you are making me look forward to everyday to see how you'd react to all the activities going on. global warming, pollution. harvesting of non-renewable natural resources. i would love to see how you survive but, i would like to die before you do so i dont have to look at you go.........

peeksssss from long ago.

a facade, maybe not.

i am so frustrated and i cant seem to find anything to say. actually i do have alot to say but. how should i put it across?

i guess it is just human nature to try and pick a bone in an egg. and every single thing i do, be it big or small, there are others who are unhappy.
somebody tell me, why is it so goddamnmotherfucking hard to try and please myself instead of trying to please others? do i live for myself or do i live for others? fuck all of you people who are unhappy with whatever i do. yes, a big fat fuck you to you. whoever you are.

okay i didnt mean for that to come out all bitchy and stuff, but whatever luh.
we are back to the my-blog-i-can-say-whatever-i-like issue. HAHAHAHAHA good day.

just in my face.

not bad at all. right in my face. but then again. it is not like i dont know.
or maybe you think i dont know but maybe actually i do know.

is it the same difference or different similiarity? i dont know, you tell me.
slowly, i am trying to improve. trying to change. but will you all open your eyes to see the change? will you all accept who we are after the change? or will you all stil be stuck in your own thinking. and not see any other things except for what you all choose to see? i dont know. so many questions. so many unanswered.

and i think my new aim would be to not exceed 60kg cause apparently i am drifting from my aim. i am increasinggg, arghhh. HAHAHAHA no more trying to aim 50kg ): that can be after regatta. now, build all the freaking mull-cells first. then lose all the flabs after.......... whenever luh. i dont care la. HAHAHA as long as i dont look my weight, then its fine. i am fine. HAHAHAHA i dont give a shit about what you all think. whether i am fat or not. as long as i know i am not fat. as long as the people that matter to me feels/thinks i am hot, then its all good. but then again, you dont just fall in love with a person cause of the looks righttttt....
BUT THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT HAHAHAHAHA. but obviously i dont like people for their size or whatever though it IS a plus point. preferably with big muscles, defined abs, cute ass. HAHAHAHA and no leg hair. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA nowwwwwwww guess who am talking about?

i wonder;

why do people think that locked doors and closed windows can keep one out?

we are created with brains. with a mind of our own. we look for new solutions to old problems. we create our own way out when we are stuck.

so why do people still think that we always will get stuck with no way out?
tell me why?

i really wonder......

words;

it is what i have alot of. so much so that most of you(s) dont even wanna hear me speak. isnt that right? am i right? well, if thats the case then dont bother reading, cause for all you know, i dont want you to be reading this either. okay i sound so angsty all. BUT dont worry. i am not, pam is a happy kid. and she doesnt wanna grow up and have boobies (okay random).

maybe we have been living with our eyes half open, that is why we are not seeing the whole picture? maybe we are afraid of words we havent said. i wonder what thoughts go through your mind, what morbid fantasies you make up.
but alas, we were not created in the way that permits ourselves to be cut open in the skull and probing around our brains. we would most probably die, but, i dont exactly mind dying now. yes am still young all, but i wouldnt wanna die an old hag. so ugly and miserable. what if i have no children to like, attend my funeral. it IS either sooner or later so, why not sooner right. NOW, would be a good time (: (: (:

not supposed to be updating about my life. but i think everybody secretly wants to know about me. HAHAHAHA call me shameless or whatever-er-er but arent you reading it now? oh, dont feel the pinch. what makes you think i am talking about you? am not luh, for i dont even know who's reading. okay okay i shall stop being all sarcastic, for all i know, i might just get hate mail, but then i would hafta thank the people who would bother writing me mail, i will check out your handwriting and give you my feedback okay, dont worry (: (:

am i supposed to update? days pass by without a sign. it is already a freaking tuesday, and when did i last update? i had no idea people read this load of nonsense. are my posts too wordy?

saturday, had trng as usual but mixed was cancelled and went to my grandma's and knocked out until about 9plus, all the way from 5 i think. woahhhh, i think i mighta been a pig in my previous previous life or sth. my grans commented i am damn chor lor all, what kick here and there and talk damn loud :/ aye. i feel we need to express ourselves through our actions. dont expect me to act guniang all (cause i dont need to act, i AM damn guniang (: teeheee). but whatever-er-er. i like the way i am. if you dont like me, then dont be my friend. why!i think that, er, you all should learn to see past all the beautifooooool mistakes that i make and accept me. i can be a very, very good friend. dont make me your enemy. i will just cry ): i am all vulnerable and weak actually.

sunday, i didnt get to attend trng because my stomach was giving me problems and my body decided to get all hot and stuff. so, sorry l-l-ladiezzz. and i forgot what i did cause my brains were being fried. so sad, so sad. it is a sad sad situation........

monday, mixed trng. gwen had a bath during mixed cause i was ferociously splashing water all. i think i secretly am not cut out for rowing. i need to get my technique right. need to get the front catch. when six inches matter so much, yet i dont have it. i hope it is six inches and not more or i wouldnt be able to take it. well, i was talking about my stroke length luh, what were you(s) thinking? need to drive, drive. keep driving!! faster, stronger, better. i know i can do it. i have got the drive to. i have got the motivation to. BUT!!! the question is, are YOU able to too?
anyway, headed to maui with bun, bee and loveofmylife. then hanging around all. then bing, ling and ping came along after some time. then i headed home and just died on bed. Gahhhhhh! see! told you(s) am a pig. oh, i think i am a pig! and the truth hurts! i do not wish to be a pig luh, please eepeishan, dont turn into a pig.


Living is, hard enough, without you fucking up

perfection

imperfection is perfection

what do we do when things dont go our way? how do we react?

can someone tell me how to make the stupid tagboard visible on mozilla? cause apparently yours truly DOES HAVE A TAGBOARD. just that you need IE to view it ): lousy rightttttt. stuck on IE when everybody alr migrate to mozilla :/ tell me okay. comment me to tell me how to make my tagboard visible. does the IE settings and the FF settings clash? grrr. i am the html noob=_=

time;

it is what we have not enough of. something annoying that we cannot catch and keep in our pockets. wouldn't it be superbly great if there existed a bank for time? for us to keep all the extra time that we have in a day and withdraw it as and when we need more time. can somebuddy invent that please? i think you will be damn rich.

i am thinking of what to post.
something random. something out of this world. something that would shock everybody. but nothing is coming to my mind. i think my brain is dead. i think i am freezing in class. i think my fingers are too long and stiff. i think humans are stupid. and i am included? or am i not? i think i shall go be an alien. preferably a martian. i think the school internet connection suck ballz. i am not connected to the net ): i cannot post even if i wanted to (its 3.30pm now). why am i even typing this whole chunk of nonsense?

yday's training was. a new experience. first of all the weekday rowings to come :/ we used the sp boats.
two boats but only 6 pairs in each. and out of the 6 pairs, only 1 pair of ladies. so fun right?
anyway, weekday rowing-- does that mean i got no time for myself at all, so occupied with school, trainings, sleep (sleep isnt counted as alone time because i dont get to talk to myself ): HAHAHAHA). but it is a good thing. to see my la-la-ladiezzzzz more often.
i see them on tuesday, wednesday, thursday, saturday and sunday. yay max max max. and i think i see them in the club on monday and friday too (: so which means i see them almost everyday.
i dont even see my parents all that often. i leave the house early morning before they wake up and, i reach home late at night when they are asleep.
i am such a good daughter, i know. i deserve an applause luh (: (: (:

may i ask why is everybuddy playing hotel626 when they know that they will be scared out of their wits. i think playing in class is so. retarded. arent you supposed to get scared and all? so playing alone at home, with the lights off and your ear piece in your ear (i mean like Duh, of cause the ear piece goes into the ear) would be the ideal solution.

anyway, i think i need to control myself. i need to control how i spend my time, how i spend my money. time is being frittered (i like banana fritters, okay random) away and i already do not have enough of it. money, lets not even start.

oh and denise lost weight while i am still stuck at my range. i have been hearing bullshit that i have slimmed down, i look smaller, my waistline looks smaller, arms smaller, thighs smaller and the ultimate, less round?!?!?!?! does that mean that i was fat or round before? although i dont think i have been very slim in my life other then when i was in my younger years when i was looking like some anorexic piece of stick, i am not very fat either what. puberty came and destroyed everything ): but i cant say i am unhappy luh. at least i grew taller and have boobies nowwwwwww (: (: but i want to be, erm, flatter. HAHAHA being flatter aids in running, i think. it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO inconvenient to run with your boobies bouncing around (not that mine is super big or what), but doesnt anyone think so?

this has gotta be the longest post ever-er-er. because i cannot post therefore i am typing like some mad bitch. (there is still no connection and its 4.06pm now)
i want to sleep now. i got an urge to pee :/

okay for my wish list can i get to be a size 8 and have boobs for size 6. and can i have an active sex life. preferably with ........... HAHAHAHAHA! dont bother counting the fullstops. it has no link to anything.

insanity might just be sanity

why cant you believe that more exists than what you can touch?

Cupid rules us all.

okay, first things first. today is the first and the first, today is the twenty first. nowwwwwwwww, who gets what i mean? HAHAHA anyway, i need to cut my hair. i look like a walking lump of hair now (not that my hair is extremely thick or whatsoever). i need to get it. cut? i think my fringe is getting very unbearable but the mere thought of just getting it shortened makes me want to cry (in that annoying slang, come on, denise laugh HAHAHAH!). i cannot bear to have it cut. but it is always falling over my eyes, making me more blind than i already am. to keep blowing my fringe is such a chore. would anyone like to help me blow my fringe? contact me please. HAHAHAHA!
the point is :
i need a drastic change to my hair. wait for it, will you all?

i seem unable to grasp the simple fact that it is so simple to fall. fall down. fall from glory. fall into a pit so deep you cant ever climb out of. fall into a routine. fall into the vicious cycle of life. fall from where we are standing and we dont even need to do anything. soooooooooo! it IS extrememly easy to fall right? correct me if i am wrong.......... and when you fall, you dont know what hit you.

PAIN IS PLEASURE.
keep that in mind when we are doing our weights, the pain that arises from pumping our muscles, yes, it is pleasure.
keep that in mind when we are rowing, when our muscles start to ache, when the lactic acid starts to build up.
keep that in mind when you fall in love and you get hurt from it, pain is pleasure.
pain IS pleasure.
it is so pleasurable to be reminded that we are still mortals. stuck in our bids to escape from this world. this life. to get to a better place, up there? which i am not sure even exists (ohh, please read this with an open mind).

HAHAHAHA okay super vague i know. am not even sure what i am talking about.
it is not a matter of why we are escaping, but what we are escaping from and escaping into. HAHAHA sweet escapade? tell me when you find yours.

why is the wind so wild? i need to run and hide from the wind. i can feel a storm coming. and i do not feel at ease. i think i shall hide. under my umbrella. yes, thats what i should do.....

lucky

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
We sure are cute for two ugly people
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
I'm your biggest fan

I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

MASTERED?

5th masters just ended.

did we really improve?
or was it just a stroke of luck?
maybe the others were just tired out.
maybe we really gave all out (okay i am sure we gave all out HAHAHA).

so exasperating ley trying to act cheem all, wahlao. what i am trying to say is that we should all continue to train even harder. attend all trainings. push ourselves max max max. but lets not die in the process la, like duh! HAHAHA.
but anyway, i wanna thank the la-la-ladiesss in my boat. i know you all gave your all. though it is the first time using the new paddles in a race, i am sure this is another experienced gained. and also new scratches and erm, dents sustained by our new babies, and i shall name mine, erm. i dont know leyyyyyy ):
i am still trying to get the feeling right too. this is the time to fine tune every stroke. like what Gwen said, Regatta '07 is gone. '07 was a memorable event for me, a journey with my ladies. in many ways, SRR'07 will always remain a part of me, for reasons known to me and for you to find out.
but i am sure SRR'08 will be even more memorable because there are new ladies. it will be a whole new journey and i want to walk it with all of youuuuuuuuuuu(s). i know it in my heart. and i am looking forward to it. in the few weeks that is left, LAI AH SP. all the way. (tries to act motivating and cheery all, Hahaha)

oh my sister asked me the other day. what was i doing in the library. such a brainless question, obviously i was reading. if not having sex meh. right? HAHAHAH then she said, how she know, cause i always try to act funny all-.- like thanks ar thanks. so, any sex partners out there? please contact me okay. contact me only if you like to have sex in the library, HAHAHAHA!

so few stay

will this be like the hottest flame, flashing bright, and turning cold in just the blink of an eye?

what was it all for?

JUST DO IT.
3 simple words. so easy to say. so hard to do? HAHAHA pun intended.

havent been updating. why? cause i didnt attend sch. monday seemed so faraway now that i am in friday. i am not making any sense. nothing much happened these few days.
did i mention i caught house bunny. yes, with gwen and denise. nov and wanru were in the same theatre too. freaking stupid show. but they snuck in hidden lessons okay. so gotta watch the movie with your heart and not just the eyes. HAHAHAHA.

am i supposed to update about my life. did i mention that i have decided to change how i blog. HAHAHA not gonna update and bore anyone of you about my life anymore. only the important people know they are included my life. like, gwen, denise. and the dbgirls. HAHAHA i sound so dependent on gwen and denise-.- i am not les okay. am very straight HAHAHAHA seriously laaaaaaaaaa.

is there anyone out there good enough. even i dont say that i am good enough.
humans. how often we judge without thinking twice about the whole situation. why do we only see what we want to see and not what we are supposed to see? it is indeed satisfying to judge and pass comments but why dont we ever think of what we have did wrong? possesion, or the lack of it. has caused all these, correct me if i am wrong. drawing a clear line, or rather, withdrawing, is not helping. like i have said many times before, avoidance is not the solution. hatred, is going to eat you up from the insides. hatred is just like a disease. why have you not immunized yourself from this disease? why have you willingly let it consume you alive? regret is like a poison. and you, are letting it slowly seep into your veins. how long would i need wait to see you suffer? oh, i cant wait (:

did i mention i caught Nights in Rodanthe. and it was nothing like the book i read. how annoying! i think i was anticipating too much and cried before the correct time. and when the time came for me to cry, i was just like a hose. oh, i must have been able to use up a box of tissues but, i didnt bring it along la. duh! all of Nicolas' books never fail to make me cry. i must have been a, rain cloud in my previous life. HAHAHAHAHA! and we should all let love envelope us. HAHAHA read his books. it does wonders to your life and erm, lets you see love all around. hoho (:

too close for comfort

maybe what we have shared before was just in the head.
all that we were, we are nothing now.
what am i to feel now that i have lost you. the closeness we shared, it is all gone. cause of mistakes, broken promises. i wish i could make it up, but i cant and its not like you would bother about me. what am i. what was i. what will i become?

i dislike getting close to people cause i know it will suck BIG time when we drift. why cant people be understanding to know that there are plenty out there whom we need to spend time with too. how do you find things to talk about if we converse everyday. i know i seldom run outta things to say but sometimes i do run out (but thats very rare la). i know i cant be there all the time, for whoever cause i have too many people to attend to and some people just cannot understand that fact. i am sorry okay that i cant be there. and i wish i could split myself into little pieces so i can be there with everybuddy too but i cant. its the thought that counts no? so its all in the mind, Hahaha. i dont know what else to say anymore.

i dont understand why people read my blog. its so full of rants and nonsensical stuff that sometimes doesnt make sense to myself.
i think i am a flirt. and quite a big one at that.
i think i lead people on.
i think i dont know how to reject people. so i end up having alot of. whatever-er-ers.
i think that i will get into trouble one day.
why do i invest feelings? Haha. i am trying to find my place with you. and i know i have found it. so i wont go flirt anymore.

the above is such a load of bullshit. i cant believe i posted it. i dont know how i survived 18years of bullshit. HAHAHA i think i learnt to bullshit at a very young age. so its part of my life now. so be careful when i talk to you, maybe all the things i say is just bullshit. or maybe not luhhh, depends on how important you are to me (: (: if you think you are important then you are. if not, dont bother reading my blog lorrrrz.

and i secretly think i very guniang. die la, how many people will laugh at me when i say that. doesnt matter. yes, burping and all very very guniang one okay (:
i need to widen my vocab of swear words. and super cheeeem words. so i can confund all of you.

take a deep breath

do you smoke?
no i dont. sometimes air is hard enough.

how does it feel
to be despised?
to be a crutch to someone; and a punching bag the next?
to have no idea what to do with your life?
to fancy someone that everyone opposes to?
to want to belong but knowing you never will?
how does it feel to feel so many things at the same time when all you want to do is to just lay on the grass and watch the clouds pass above you?

its summer all year round. the weather is supposed to be fine, sunshine-y, happy, hot. but it is not. summer is not keeping its promises. the weather take a turn when we least expect it.
lesson learnt: carry the bloodyauntie-ishumbrella no matter what. we can use it when the weather is hot. when the rain is fucking pouring. when there is a bloody person who is having sinister thoughts on your body. HAHAHA so many uses for the umbrella so bring it all around. (i dont usually practice what i preach, but it's okay, you all can bring the umbrella and share with me thanks.)

there are always two sides to a coin. the truth might be distorted but yes. the truth will still be out in the end. i cannot find a way to phrase my posts to make it seem subtle, and not so straightforward. but i cant change the way i am.
i am brutally straightforward. i think i am honest. well, with comments and words that is. take it or leave it. dont ask me if you dont think you would believe. okaythanksbye (:


and somebuddy overate today HAHAHAHA.

abstractions.

somebuddy said my posts getting very vague(maybe vague isnt the right word). like hellooooooooo. need to read between the lines okay. need to learn to read the mind of pamelaeepeishan HAHAHA.
anyway back to school.
tell all of you a secret okay. i lost my virginity. today. this morning. i lost my bike virginity la. my friend fetched me to school. on a bike, so freaking cool. HAHAHA i can go on and on about it. but whatever-er-er "/
now i am back to complain. i think i overate. cause i had lunch twice. usually i am the one asking people not to overeat and today i did just that, so smart right. give me a round of appaluse please thankyouverymuch :D now i just feel like puking. it is a terrible feeling to overeat. so bloated and i feel so handicapped. like if i move even a little, i will just burst and die. argh damn smart pam damn smart. and i have alot of overdue pictures. post them when i have time, if not, too bad. none will have a chance to see my face. losers, HAHAH.

Nature cannot suffer the human forms within her system of laws. When given to her charge, the human being before us is reduced to dust. Ours is the most perfect form to be found on Earth. The visible world sustains us until life leaves, and then it must utterly destroy us. When, then, is the world from which the human form comes?
did i mention that ebuddy is stupid.
it is stupid.
it is lousy.
it is annoying.
max max max okay. ebuddy is not working out for me la. what the fuck. i am so annoyed right now okay. sorry if i flare at anyone.
and i dont mean to let my insecurities rule my head. sometimes when i get really scared, i say words i dont mean. sometimes when i am all smiley, it doesnt mean everything is fine. i feel small, all the time. afraid of the judgements passed. afraid of what people really think about me. in a world as black as this, i dread all the comments that will be passed. why can people never learn how to keep their mouths shut and use their hearts instead of their eyes to see?

'Words, as is well known, are great ends of reality.' - Joseph Conrad

Almost lover; Almost dream

give a damn and you wont be damned.

Dont ever leave me,
now that you are here!
Here is where you belong.
Everything seems so right when you're near.
When you're all away it's all wrong.
I'm so dependent,
When i need comfort,
I always run to you
'cause if you do,
I'll have no one to run to.

sunshine was false;
without real warmth.
and the wind, it seems to me,
has grown rather wild.

Pb

the symbol for lead is Pb (:

infatuation. its killing me.

larger than the moon, my love for you.
i'll try to find my place with you.
the secret of the world is written in the stars.
maybe a greater thing will happen.
maybe all will see.
maybe our love will catch like fire, as it burns through me.

how do you channel anger constructively.
how do you sleep to weep, to numb the pain and to will it all away?

i think i myself should try harder to be a better person.
not to change plans last minute.
not to place friends before love.
not to keep trying to please everyone.
why cant everybody win?


anyway, everybody, i update when i get back to school. HAHAHAHA school reopening soon okay thanks bye. oh wait.
fluorine is 9 F.
sodium is 11 Na.
argon is 18 Ar.
manganese is 25 Mn.
so my new number is 9 okay. choose 3 more numbers and go buy toto; system 7 (: (:
okaythanksreallybye.