eoy is coming

my eyes are tired from squinting at the computer screen all day. looking at small numbers.. trying to balance out a 7 figure sum. omg i am dying. someone save me.

the only moment we were alone

it is pouring outside. the skies are dreary. once again, lost and confused. 2/3 trials concluded yesterday amidst the light drizzle. i have made the decision for myself. it is time to let go and move on after all these. 5 years in this very special team. 5 years of my life given away to the activity that mattered the most to me. 5 years of giving up things for. it was worth every bit. and right now, i am not sure if i still wish to dedicate any more of my time to this very sport that shaped me to be who i am right now.

i dont regret it one bit, these 5 years of 'above average' performance. i have ran faster than i ever thought possible. ask me 10 years ago if i ever thought hitting 10.07 for 2.4 was possible, i wouldnt have even dared to dream of it. granted there are others out there who can clock sub 10. but my own timing is good enough. back when i was younger and my aim was just to hit sub 12 along with my long legged classmate. hahahaha when i thought every 400m lap below 2mins was good enough LOL. i loved my days in db, no matter which team. i still love my days. but the older i get, the more things i have to settle for myself, the less time i have for doing this activity. i love almost all the people i met in db. very thankful to have met a few special people while doing this sport. im sure you know who you are.

and i hope that even after i am no longer in the same team, we can still be close. i thank all of you for accepting my flaws and always believing in me. even when i hit rock bottom, i thank all of you for making the effort just to pull me up and drag me along.

it's been a great 11 years of paddling. maybe i will continue paddling, it is such a big part of my life but right now i am sure i wont want to continue paddling competitively. i was never a competitive person and i'd rather let others win than fight all out. i know how 'losers' feel and i know what being 'down there' and 'not good enough' feels. i never wish it upon anyone to feel that way.

hahahaha emo post. lol i also havent left. lol mentally preparing myself only lah.

less than 50 days to 2015. what have i done so far? got lost along the way. in the process of finding my way back home. are you(r arms) still my home?