dont understand myself sometimes. forever digging my own grave. and no it isnt fun at all..

one fine day i'll read back on all these posts and realise that i too, am capable of loving someone to the brink of existing just for them. would i call myself lucky to have known that kinda love? or stupid then? to love someone to the point of no return. trodding off the known path and venture onto an unbeaten track, not knowing if i will even survive.

unconditionally

something has taken over my head. heart. life. idk. my whole being. and my heart kinda feels like it isn't mine anymore or it never has been for the past 2years of my life.

My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing.

i feel ridiculously happy whenever you are even if the reason for your happiness or elation werent to be because of me.

11.11 always always keeping you in my heart, praying for your safety, for your tummy to always be filled with (good) food, to know contentment.

Mortals flicker and flash and fade.
Worlds don't last, and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust.

super pam has done it again. wise words for friends but cant do shit about herself. ugh! why i so lousy to myself!

hmm at least imma good friend :D

i couldnt unfeel it even if i wanted to. couldnt stop myself from destruction. it has come over me, like a tornado, without warning.

YOLO yo.

New mantra in life probably hahahaha

spontaneity at best. went over to mich's place with py in tow cause she had no plans haha long story for another day or maybe i wont even tell the story.

anyways got my ass to the office bright and early. so you stalkers are in luck :p ok im kidding hahaha who reads my blog ):

stayed over at mich's with py lol and we decided to have a movie night: The ugly truth. and the both of them fell asleep at some point in time-_- and missed parts of the show lol py missed the ending!!!!!!!!! which was probably the climax lah.

been hooked onto the soundtrack for divergent. especially love ellie goulding's tracks and also zedd's. aiya love the whole OST lah. late nights are good when with friends around. prevents my mind from slipping into the dark areas. the presence of friends are of so much help in extracting myself from the dungeons where the monsters are kept.

for what is worth, you are worth it.

I fell for you like autumn leaves
Never faded, evergreen

I cannot believe it.

the most spontaneous and random thing i ever did in my life. ok that's probably not the way to do retail therapy. lol but it's gna be worth it. and i'm not doing a bad thing... i am living my life. properly.

Am I really lucky?

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

Super love Tyler Knott Gregson now. He always seems to write the most perfect haikus and poems or articles(?) that voices out what I feel inside but cannot string words together to describe but no, the above quote wasn't by him. But this is:

In, if you come in,
there will be such light,
but know early, know now,
that it will cast such shadows.
My mind, the quiet voice
that only I hear,
is a maze of a place
and I know not
the reward at the center,
nor the exit
on the other side.
In, if in you come,
know that lost
you will become,
for in, in I went,
long ago,
and never
came out.

His work brings me to tears. Probably also cause I am some piece of emotional wreck now. Yet my knackered shitty fucked up heart still beats (for you).

day 33

If I will it,
              can I un-feel it,
              now that I've felt it?

I won't let you go
(This is what you really want)
So don't let go of me
(This is what you asked for)
I wanted something more
(This is what you really want)
I wanted this right here
(This is what you asked for)

new found love for ellie goulding

I just can't keep hanging on, to you and me

cant get a grip on myself. ugh why does my mind like to hurl things around inside of it? things that are supposed to be buried deep under a rock and never to see the light again. i hate being inside my mind.

mini boring update

after dropping the s4 all over the place and having it sustain really horrid injuries, i have bombed money on a certain smidgen case which is supposedly shock proof haha as to how well it holds up, you just have to stay tuned because im pretty sure this wont be the last time i drop my phone :S yes, very sad to say haha it'll have to suffer a little more in my hands. let's hope s4 can last hahaha so far it's only been 1.5 mths lol my own vday present to myself.

also bombed money on a new pair of jeans from zara haha it makes my butt look flat but nth a tunic top wont cover haha wonders of pairing clothes up. love the colour of my jeans and foresee i wont be washing it that often to not fade it out too much and also to er keep it's stretchiness cause imma fatty. tmr's friday so guess ill be wearing it tmr. yes, tmr. yes i bought it today. no i wont be washing it. yes you may judge. no i dont really care.

the sun is shining brightly outside my office and i can look at the shoppes at mbs. i can see lv peeking out at me haha. thinking too much. ok must find a way to bring my loots home.... how to stuff them into my small bag today???????????? headache.

almost tgif

just got my ass to the office, checked my blog stats and already got people stalk me haha what is this? lol dont bother stalking me before 930 cause er i havent reach office and havent updated lol unless you wanna read yday's old news which im sure you already read hahahaa just saying lah. maybe you wanna check like after lunch cause usually i update at 10 or so. then ill update another after lunch? friendly advice!

i think slowly but surely, im opening my eyes. what i didnt know wont kill me but now that i know, it doesnt change anything. not now, but soon it will... hopefully.

TOGETHER WE VOW THAT OUR COLOURS WILL SPARKLE THE FAITH

I want to be the person who sees how the morning light touches your face while you’re still sleeping peacefully. I want to hold your hand.

happy (could have been) 25th to you.

still once again lagging back in work. had to go out of office to meet a charterer today and totally moodless to do anything. but glad i got the stuff settled so that will be for tomorrow. been so distracted i dont even know how to help myself.

another insightful day after a long talk with a good friend. like really insightful but i dont know why i am still so stubborn. hai yi zhi zhi mi bu wu. i feel stupid and super fan jian. i am doing sth wrong right now but i cannot stop? omg have i become the baddie now. i shldnt let it continue right. but i have nth to lose. no i cant. karma will bite my butt. ok i need time to mull over this. is it always a good thing to close an eye or shld i just open both of them wider now? it's not nice. im not nice. does it pay to be nice? ok sorry hahah just sprouted nonsense here oops :X nothing makes sense at all. this is dumb.

shitloads of medicine hiding in my bag. i really dread to take it.. ):

weak

reduced to a sickling again. just got my ass to the office. late everyday all day whats wrong with me. i need to get my life back on track. i just wanna waste my time away everyday and drift along. i dont need anything lol i just wna laze at home and do my CS lol dont even need to eat or whatever although er i do need money for the framing of it LOL but that is another problem for another day.

been super unproductive the whole of today. idk where my mind has drifted to.

secret

cause 2 can keep a secret.

if one of them is dead.

really really gna be cryptic about the things i post from now on. the walls have ears, hedges have eyes. and there are spies everywhereeeeeeee~

gna only blog abt frivolous issues here and keep my real thoughts to myself so noone can have access to it.

trng on weekends were great. mentioned that friday got off to a great start? guess it ended rather well too. sat morning was alright too. it almost felt like normal again but who am i kidding?

interval runs before rowing on saturday. 8x400m and am quite pleased with my timing. managed to hit below target timings for every set but there's loads to improve on before i can even be termed as fast. i am only decent now. after that was technical rowing and then cross stitch at home once more.... noone was home so i was rolling around the house and went to bed early. tossed and turned in bed but didnt manage to catch a wink till after 11plus-.-

sunday was double session. row / run / cycle to old airport / row / bp w gymmies / dinner / home / cross stitch (again) and sleep. thank god i fell aslp rather quickly with the mask on haha woke up halfway in the middle of the night and realised it fell off but i was lazy to look for it. badly burnt from sunday's trng. my face and shoulders plus arms needs to saved.

time is passing way too quickly today. 30mins to lunch. no appetite though

i close my eyes and all i saw was you

today turned out surprisingly well. please please please let it maintain sigh i cannot take another quarrel or fight or another unhappy episode.

will you, wont you be the one ill always know?

tgif

my morning started off great.. so thank you very much. was on time for work. thank you very much.

let's hope this feeling can remain till tomorrow morning. i wish for peace and happiness always

'im not afraid to fall cause i know you (still) catch me'

i dont like it. the stats are increasing. i shld hide elsewhere.

the rain outside the windows now
as strong as the storm in my heart
as torrential as the tears down my cheeks

11.11

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

day 26 / day 4

weird. im missing a part of myself. no idea where it went. i want to find it, get it back but im not sure if that part wants to come back or be found. i'll just stay and hope against hope that it does.

one thing more powerful than fear, it's hope.

明明是两个人走的路，为何要独自行呢?

I know your heart is filled with
a million wishes
A million things to dream
Can I be just one?
I know that you will be in
A million stories
You’ll forever look back on
Can I be in one?
But the colors that we carry
seems to slowly fade away
And I wonder how we’ll make it here
for just another day
So tell me
Do you still hear me whisper?
Wherever you lay your head
Do we live for tomorrow
or do we both look back?
Do we both look back?
I know that history
we can’t hold on to
coz its already gone
so I can’t let go

being together should be effortless;

just like breathing.

waiting for superman

wore two new pieces of clothing out this morning to make myself feel and look better lol. suffered a bad sprain on my right ankle last evening while on the way to training. er i missed a step and fell down and landed on my ankle. nope that's not the worst part, i chipped my fingernails too :X pissed! :@

crate pulled - rowing 4x10mins working on strokes - 30mins run.
managed to run decently despite both quads being pulled on sunday. still feels weird running but ok la can manage. ankle wasnt acting up at that point in time but after the run it suddenly got worst and i cant even land on my right foot. thank you elly and your mummy for sending me back. if not i would have spent money on cab.

i did it again. i texted you when i was not supposed to but i just felt so horrid abt this stupid ankle and that i had to sprain it the first day without you. it's been on-off for quite abit but i guess this is really the off part. im sorry for being a weakling.

hopped on my left leg to bed and went to sleep with my legs elevated on brother's bolster hehehe. hobbled out of bed this morning lol soon i will be able to pistol squat on my left leg..... since im overusing it now.

wore lb's tavian top with the shelly skirt out. ahh the skirt used to be fitting. now it's got loads of space all around the waist and i can stuff both my arms in and still zip it up... last warning.

You ever love somebody so much, you barely breathe when you with 'em?

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though

Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
When part of me died when I let you go

can you hear me when i call your name?

you never said never said never said that it would be this hard~

loads of things happening right now. 2014 hasnt been off to a good start at all. march is ending, my life is still in pieces. dont know how long i need to stitch them back together, slowly but surely. it is amazing how much one can take and close one's eyes to. i astound myself constantly.

things have been difficult not just for me but for many of my beloved teammies as well. whatever that is happening right now is definitely much bigger than my own problems.
people come and go.
''things change and friends leave. life doesnt stop for anybody.'' - perks of being a wallflower
tried to cheer my captain up. it is good to have people to talk to you when youre feeling down and ill never forget how they were there for me just awhile back. blood is thicker, i love my sister and my family but water is sweeter and i love my teammates just as much.

wish i were as good as cheering myself up as i can for others. 

times like these, i thank whoever who is up there looking down on us for putting my teammies in my life.. i feel blessed. thankful. and i have high hopes for the future that is to come because things always always get better.. i have faith in you, me, us and the plans that were planned for us all along.

you..
to have and hold and forever cherish.. these moments never come by us twice.

mondays are butterscotch and black

parcel from LB arrived today. this is probably my first online buy in a few weeks. remember i mentioned i lost all mood to shop? yea partly because of that and er. also cause the past few launches not very nice and i wasnt exceptionally drawn to the clothes. plus plus plus mummy said she wna kick me out if i shop somemore right.... thats a little dissuading. but since she's overseas now (enjoying life, that woman) i can bring the clothes home and hurry hang in my wardrobes lol.

been thinking a little about things but i think i am better off not thinking about anything at all. bbg is right, if i am happy and okay with the way things are now then i shldnt do anything about it. but as selfish humans, we always want more and we always want everything to ourselves. love is patient love is kind~~

i maintain good relationships with my ex(gfs) and i can say it's a good trade off cause i wont disappoint or make them upset anymore and since we know each other quite well(kinda lah huh), we understand each other in a way so we can confide in each other about things and give advice. so yes, thankful that whoever's up there put them in my life to make me better and then switched them to another position to better guide me in my life. i feel blessed and thankful.

today is the start of a new week and it can only get better. think positive thoughts~

on another note, chin and forehead are a little bruised. no didnt get into a fight. just wrestled with the bench while doing bench pulls. which i obv suck at..... sigh i really need to work harder to improve my shitty ranking. ok think positive thoughts~~ i can do this. with my teammies behind me, i can only get better. imma disregard the 2nd trials cause i wasnt in a good state when i did it. from now on, i can only get better and stronger.

i will survive this. we will survive this. i will get better. we will get better.
it's okay baby. it's okay, it's okay. we're okay baby.

battle hymn of the tiger mother

i just reread this book online. i remember when it first came out a few years back, i refused to buy it although i super wanted to read it. instead i camped 1hour plus at the bookstore after training with my huge bag, just to finish it. okay #cheapo i know but i dont really believe in buying books cause i think it's a waste of money. unless it's like a whole series. even then, as a die hard harry potter fan, i only own the 4th book: goblet of fire. #loser hahaha i just really dont see the point in getting books cause im a super fast reader and i cannot rest until i finish the book. like i can skip meals and miss my sleep just to finish the book. and my family isnt exactly very well to do so i dont spend unnecessary money on books. i just borrow from my cousin and return them in pristine condition or ill er.... camp at the bookshop.

another reason why i hate buying books is cause my friends borrow from me and forget to return me. there was this hunger games series ''phase'' and i went crazy and bought all the books at one shot and finished everything in a day because i just had to find out what happened in the end lol. and out of 3 books, i think one of it is still with a friend and idk how to get it back. #losingfaithinhumanity LOL

anyway, after rereading BHOTM, i feel nostalgic and i feel like im in the same plight as her kids. only difference is they got to learn instruments and i didnt cause we couldnt afford it. but it's okay because i grew up to be an okay kid, i can differentiate right from wrong hahaha. think mum gave up on me after i got into sec sch because er i joined canoeing and things just went downhill from there.

growing up, as the eldest, i always had to set a good example. mum didnt like me to hang out with friends after school so she always made it a point to pick me up from sch. after that sissy got into the same school as i did and she fetched both of us home on the bicycle. i used to hate the fact that i had to go home straight after sch but now i know she just had our best interests. also, we were never allowed to go play at the playground when we were younger too.. reason  being, she was afraid that we would fall down and injure ourselves. immensely proud to say that ive never fractured any part of myself before. dont count heartbreaks LOL. and er i only sprained my ankle once in my life at age 22.... swelled up like pig trotters haha i never wna go through that again.

compared to the book, i think mum was much much better. i would have rebelled long ago if i had the same mummy. but i think all chinese parents are pretty strict? mum always had high expectations of me. if i didnt get full  marks for spelling, i wouldnt dare to tell her. she used to sit beside me when i had to practice writing chinese words and there was once my handwriting displeased her, i just kept writing the word improportionately and she kept erasing.. suddenly a hole appeared in the page and she got so pekchek. no prizes for  guessing who got whacked with the cane.

rewards for doing well in exams would be more storybooks which i devoured greedily. i love reading and that was something mum didnt force me to do. she was never satisfied with me. always lamenting the fact that i got second in class instead of first. or second highest instead of highest. disappointed with me for getting 99/100 for maths due to a careless mistake. tiger mum told her kids to check their answers 3 times, maybe it was cause mum asked me to check twice only thats why i lost that 1 mark. after that test, i swore the next few exams i was gna get 100. and i did.. all because i didnt wanna make mum disappointed.

i remember being so nervous for psle cause i didnt think i'd do well. never had confidence to think better of myself. and thats cause mum always criticized me. during parent-teacher meetings, they would always say that i am a smart kid and hardworking but i am too chatty. hearing such things about myself, i always cry in front of my teacher and mummy cause i felt i wasnt good enough.

dad fetched me to sch on the morning that i was supposed to collect my results. i was so nervous. but when i looked at my results, i realised that i did fairly decent and exceeded my expectations. i was ecstatic and called mummy immediately. 2As 2A*s but she wasn't pleased because she said if i had good grades then my points shld have been higher so it meant that my A was a low A.... -_-

but mum was nice enough to let me choose for myself which sch i wanted to go to. and i guess i shldnt have made that choice myself because i believe mummy always knows best. look where i ended up...... if i ever become a mum, i know ill be a tiger mum too because sparing the rod spoils the child. and i know exactly what my child can be capable of and i am going to work my child in that direction. it doesnt matter if he/she hates me because at the end of the day, they will be thankful. just like how i am towards my mum now. 

YOU ARE SO CUTE

i asked for an upper body shot and you gave me a close up of your face with a huge smile.

i never want to lose your smile cause if i do, i lose you too.

$$ but no mood to spend it

Yesterday was once in a long while since I shopped LOL been all moody ever since 3 weeks ago and I haven't even been online shopping :X friends who know me should know that I have parcels arriving almost every week in office LOL my temporary wardrobes are exploding and mummy threatened to kick me out if I shop somemore... Yea man that's how bad it is hahahaha :p I am quite ashamed to admit.

Went to Raffles City with sMELly during lunch yesterday and scored myself a cute bag from Billabong at 50% off hahahah :p no it doesn't look childish like your typical Bbong kinda bag. It's very pretty and has tassels ok! Didn't manage to get our spring14 pandora butterfly charms cause the sales assistants were too busy serving their VIP customers-.- #okcan #winliaolor #sowhattheybuyfullbracelets #whycannotjustletusbuy2charms #biased

Slugged through the day at work and then before I knew it, 6pm arrived wheeeeeeeeee~~ End of work. LOL went back home with Crystal to Tamp and then er we went to dabao sashimi from sushi express hahaha almost died stuffing ourselves with fish :/ think Imma swear off salmon for this week. Oh wait, the week is ending hahaha. Walked around abit and saw a pretty top from Loveandbravery and er.............. I got it..

Total damage at the end of the day: <$50 for a top and a new bag. Quite worth it right? What a frivolous blogpost hahaha but I assure you I am much more than this. LOL

it's been 19 days

a dull throbbing has replaced what used to be an excited beating heart. im surviving but not entirely okay. but i will get better because we will get better. somewhere deep down inside i have faith.

day 19:
to remind myself to be always always thankful for friends who watch out for my back (:

look how fast time flies

randomly looking at the archive timeline woah march 2008 was my first post.

it's been 6 years since i started blogging /ranting on this platform. sure i have other online platforms to rant on but this is where i started and this is where i keep coming back to although there may have been periods of absence. i think my blogging style has evolved over the years haha but it's a good thing because things always change for the better but i am really lazy to type in proper caps and stuff and shit lol dont judge me please. my command of the english language is pretty awesome hehe pardon me for being shameless but really, on this platform i cant be bothered.

6 years brought me my fair share of happiness, joy, sorrow, heart ache, heartbreaks and heart mends. they say people grow wiser as they grow older. sometimes i dont even know whether i grew any wiser hahaha. i am still rash and quick to act, i always think with my heart and not my brains-.- and am also super confrontational which i am trying to curb because not knowing some things may be for the better.but after 6 years, i know for a fact that my passion for db hasnt faded one bit. i still very much love db and even though i am not the best rower out there, i put all my heart into it.

been rowing for more than a decade now. that's almost half my life. i dont know when i will finally stop rowing but definitely not so soon. db has opened my eyes and brought me to places i never thought i'd be. being in nteam has brought me so many new experiences and even though i whine and complain and er skip training sometimes, i never once regretted it. friends ask me how i do it, why i do it. i cant explain it. i just want to do it. i just want to be good enough for the sport that gave me so many opportunities and never disappointed me. i'd like for this sport to be more recognised locally. i love db so much that i'd give my life and skin for it LOL. i sound like a freak now. i better stop talking................

You make me

When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddest person at the same time, that’s when it’s real. That’s when it’s worth something.

hi did you miss me?

been awhile since i last updated.

many things are so different now. but some things remain the same. like how my heart beats faster whenever i think of you.

anyways not the time to be emo. time to keep track of whats been happening in this one week.

missed a fair bit of training because ive been very sickly. lost freaking alot of weight and now im way below the 60 mark. my dresses are all loose on my at my waist area but my hips dont lie ahahaha cant get rid of the hip bones lah, theyre damn wide btw. thigh gap increased lol due to weight loss and er yes wide hips so it looks more obvious now. overall i look frail, not a good look at all. me no likey.

went for yap's party at sentosa resort and spa lol freaking 2k a night but i didnt stay too long cause there was training next morning and i cant wait to be back. had a good time, the food he catered was fantastic and he even made some starters himself hmm can learn a thing or 2 from him.

weekends were spent training. forgot what i did on saturday night but i think i was slacking at home, cross stitching and watching tv. burnt myself under the sun on sunday's double session. the run wasn't as bad as what i imagined haha can be better. i need time to get back on track and that's that. big boat was enjoyable :D pretty excited for mr this coming weekend.


attended a colleague's wedding dinner on sunday evening at meritus mandarin lol wore my maxi from LB out and took public transport haha must have looked like a freak. hair was tame-able, thank god. and i managed to look decent even with my mediocre make up skills. ahhh less is more, that can never go wrong. i perspire easily so i cant cake my face with make up lol. finally had the chance to wear that maxi lol dont think i overdressed lah. had loads of pictures from the photobooth hehehehe so fun. love keepsakes like that.

er had diarrhea on a monday-.- due to spicy food and alcoholic drinks during the wedding..... i deserve death. so i took an mc. thank god diarrhea went away around late morning after taking the medicine. so i ventured out of the house. went to watch 300 omg i swear eva green's boobies are so pretty! o.o and also!!!! I FINALLY TRIED TIMHOWAN HEHEHEHE first time i went there since they opened here. the bbq baked pork buns were good man. super good. ordered 2 plates of that = 6 buns altgt lol. had a basket of hargow, highclass siew mai, pan fried carrot cake, vermicelli with pork liver, beef and egg rice, ma lai gao, mango pomelo sago and osmanthus jelly. i think there was more but i cant remember. ahhh wont say it's worth queueing but i went at a weird timing so there was no queue. thank my lucky stars.

skipped dinner after that and went home to sleep. er no wait. ordered mac delivery-.- i ate chicken nuggets with curry sauce and chilli sauce and er this morning kena diarrhea again. tmd......

always we

If ever two were one… then surely we.

i am sorry if small things still trigger me as if my soul was a daisy in a tornado