dislike and hypocrisy

this is a life of lie we live.
no one leads a perfect life. i dont expect people to like me. i dont even like myself at times. so why do you think i will bother about whether you like me or not. if you are thinking whether this is about you, no it isnt. why would i even care about you?

sdbf

this is the second year taking part in sdbf in my poly life. last year, same event, my first time experiencing rowing with a different group of people. what happy memories sdbf brings. since year2003, i have been bringing home hoards of medals from rowing with my secondary sch team. so basically i have been taking part in sdbf for all the years. 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 and this year2008. rowing with my girls and getting something. we should be proud of ourselves for coming this far. this race has been the most emotional so far. breaking down the previous night. breaking down during POLITE visualization. breaking down right before the start of race. breaking down immediately after the race. breaking down during tertiary visualization. throughout the whole duration of the event, there was a sinking feeling in my heart and tummy and i felt like puking. i did puke, a little in the resevoir. so HAHAHAHA! too bad for all you people. i am glad we got sth. lets train even harder. many things i want to say to my team mates.

this second position that we got. i am sure all of us worked hard for it. though it is a silver medal. my heart is heavy. silver, second position. this feels like we have made it but we didnt quite make it. i know this is not the time to put a wet blanket on all of us but we should all train even harder. sava is coming up. i am sure we can do it then. for now. lets rest well during this one week break and train even harder when the time comes.

on a lighter note, did my EC smile at me? HAHAHAHA!

love

there is no ending. i cant promise to love you forever. but i can say i love you today. i can say i love you tomorrow. and i hope i can say that everyday.

THE DAY.

tmr is friday and the last paper for most.

is the answer i am going to get the answer i am seeking? the higher the hopes, the greater the disappointment. tmr is the race so i shall not place so much hope. but i have been waiting. are we still not meant to be?

secret rowing

hahahahahaha. rowing with bee. muscles aching ): worried for the race. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

dance

this promise to make it through whatever the future mught bring, does it still hold true?

"making love is a gentle dance of give and take."

secret....................

HAHA trngs have been great. statics are killaZXzxzxz. running was a breezzzzzzzze. striding threw my face. apparently i am still the slowest. AS USUAL. ta ma de!! eh what else. er. reading books like crazy. finshed Phantom again. in 2 days. about my 10th time reading in a few months, no joke. Phantom is damn nice. onlyyyyyy........... 523 pages.

"My heart foreseeing your condemnation into this tomb, I made my way by stealth and here, far away from every human gaze, in your arms I wished to die..."

"Beyond the edge there is no pain.
Beyond the edge you will be reborn in the glory of darkness.
Rise up and follow me...."

there has been alot of people who have been there for me through this period of time. i cannot wait for friday to come, and the truth will be unfolded. has my existence been forgotten? maybe life without me is much better and there is no wish to go back in time. promises made, have they been forgotten? maybe i can be done without. but certainly i cant do without you.................

nights in rodanthe.

this is the new book i am reading. it is by nicky sparkZzxzxz. HAHAHAHA.

dotZXzxzdotXzxzdotzxz

Baby are you ready cause its getting close
Don't you feel the passion ready to explode
What goes on between us no one has to know
This is a private show

The way you move drives me fucking insane.

nauseating garbage

went to school library (about my 5th time there in my one year plus of schooling)
read this book which i had missed fondly. read it in p6 before.
'the notebook' by nicolas sparks which reduced me to tears when i was still young and naive about 5years ago. after the notebook, i read all the sad sob stories written by Mr Sparks. like......... a walk to remember. message in a bottle and some other stories. all like damn sad can?!?!?!?! HAHAHA i am an emo kid at heart. some parts of the book caught my attention. and i read it out to gwen, who said it was the cheesiest thing she has ever heard. i guess those parts are more cheesey than the KFC cheeseZXzxz meltZXzxz-.-

some examples...........

'love like that has happened only once and that's why every minute we spend together has been seared in my memory. i'll never forget a single moment of it. love is an emotion that we can't control. one that overwhelms logic and common sense.'
i find this so true. as i posted before. love has signs similiar to a mental illness. we cannot control love and we never know when we will fall in love. is love just an affection? a physical attraction? what is love? what is romance?

'i'm a common man with common thoughts, and i've led a common life. my name will soon be forgotten, but i've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.'
if in your life, you have loved someone once and very deeply then i think it is a ife without regrets.

'you are the answer to every prayer i've offered. you are a song, a dream, a whisper, and i don't know how i could have lived without you for as long as i have. i love you. more than you can ever imagine. i always have, and i always will.'
do people really believe in wishes come true? is the one your wish come true? love for someone can be in different forms. lets say you are not together anymore. but you can continue loving the person in another kind of love.

AND THE LAST ONE WHICH IS SO SAD................

'the reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. maybe they always have been and will be. maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. and maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. that means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come. when i look at you, i see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. and i know i have spent every life before this one searching for you. not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. and then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say good-bye. i would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does. but if we never meet again and this is truly good-bye, i know we will see each other again in another life. we will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before.'

words

feeling depressed therefore orange should cheer me up. HAHAHA! just joking. why would the get-high-on-nothing pam be depressed?! june race is this weekend. i am feeling scared. very, very scared. joking also la. why would the scared-of-nothing pam be scared? HAHAHA i am crapping. and orange suddenly doesnt look THAT nice.

i should stop rubbishing.
yesterday was 22nd.
yesterday was my sister's birthday.
yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping.
yesterday i brought pig out.
yesterday i decided to get a bigger tank for pig.
yesterday i swore to myself i cant ever lose pig.
today is a good day.
today is the first day of school.
today is the 23rd.
today is the start of MST.
today is the day before tomorrow.
today i dressed nicely.
there is trng tmr.
there will only be me and denise at trng tmr.
there is nothing left to post although.
there is still too much left to say.
there is no end in my crapping-.-


suddenly i feel i have alot to say but i cant say anything because i know the little eyes that spy will be on my post. suddenly everything feels unsafe and i should post with caution. every thing i say here can be used against me in time to come when everything falls. a plethora of emotions overwhelm me. and even the people i think i trust might be deceiving me. with no idea who to trust, who to confide in. what should i do? hypocrisy is a trait that lies in the human heart. lying to get things in our favour. everybody needs to take a break from one another at some point in life. maybe this is the time for me to be alone and prioritize. putting everything else above me is too much to bear. dragonboat is more important than myself. dragonboat is more important than my family, my health. i go for trainings be it rain or shine but. is my hardwork paying off? are my efforts being recognised? june race is everything that we have worked for. what if results dont show. what if i cant give a good pace and everything turns out crappy. MST is a burden hanging on my team mates' shoulders. seeing them study so hard for MST really makes me feel crappy. everyone else is studying yet i am here being all crappy. what should i say to make people know how i truly feel. maybe my command of the english language is not good enough and no one can understand my post. i feel like shit at times. i work. i slog my ass off during work. i earn money yet the money disappears in the blink of an eye. am i spending too much. am i not saving enough.
they think things wont get better.
they think they know whats good for me.
they think i am stupid.
they think i am crazy.
they think i am mad.
they think i am wonderful.
what they think is not what i think.
what they think is not what they see.
what they think is not what you feel.

i ask, the msgs i send. are they read? are they remembered? do they touch the heart and make the heart long for the sender? its been days, weeks since the last conversation. since the last meet up. since the last hug. since the last proper look in the eye. i ask, are those things not missed? are those things not longed for? maybe yes maybe no. but i wouldnt know. no idea how things are gonna turn out. no idea no idea no idea. i feel lost. small. and alone.

secret!

secret trng with denise. HAHA we are gonna get toned muscles. HAHAHA we are both lucky girls without MST. eat that!

miss mia is back.

i am back. happy now?
my sis and her bf have bdays that is one day apart. how cool is that. his is on 21st. and hers is on 22nd. and i bought her a pair of earrings. very cheappppppppppppppp but very cute.

040608

this is love. HAHAHA! happy 7th month......

thanks jeremy. i stole it from your bloggggggggggg (:

fuckkkkkkkk

so fucking annoying.
dont know how to contact me.
dont know how to take the initiative.
when i try, you reject............
like that how to try. so many problems...................
i want to spend time BUT no.
doesnt always work.
rejection.
rejection.
rejection.
rejection.
rejection.
forever like that.
i am running out of ideas on how to make this work.
do not make me feel like i am so dumb to do whatever i just did for you.
i got it and i used it.
i feel dumb now................
i always feel dumb.

love

trngs are a killer. lots to update but there are always other people's blog to visit and get updated. ehhh. short words so try to piece it together.

2nd june.
land trng in water. work after trng. tell me i zai or not-.-

3rd june.
work from 5pm. was bugged, HAHA!

4th june.
double sea trngs. bugged him at his house.
happy 7th mth.

5th june.
water trng, plus land but i didnt go for water trng. infection-.-
bday celebration for the shortie yiling-.-
cindy smashed cake and got smashed.
pizza hut lunch set meal.
helped denise get stuff.
planning to get stuff.
got some stuff.
dinner with geebaby and AIDS!