words

feeling depressed therefore orange should cheer me up. HAHAHA! just joking. why would the get-high-on-nothing pam be depressed?! june race is this weekend. i am feeling scared. very, very scared. joking also la. why would the scared-of-nothing pam be scared? HAHAHA i am crapping. and orange suddenly doesnt look THAT nice.

i should stop rubbishing.
yesterday was 22nd.
yesterday was my sister's birthday.
yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping.
yesterday i brought pig out.
yesterday i decided to get a bigger tank for pig.
yesterday i swore to myself i cant ever lose pig.
today is a good day.
today is the first day of school.
today is the 23rd.
today is the start of MST.
today is the day before tomorrow.
today i dressed nicely.
there is trng tmr.
there will only be me and denise at trng tmr.
there is nothing left to post although.
there is still too much left to say.
there is no end in my crapping-.-


suddenly i feel i have alot to say but i cant say anything because i know the little eyes that spy will be on my post. suddenly everything feels unsafe and i should post with caution. every thing i say here can be used against me in time to come when everything falls. a plethora of emotions overwhelm me. and even the people i think i trust might be deceiving me. with no idea who to trust, who to confide in. what should i do? hypocrisy is a trait that lies in the human heart. lying to get things in our favour. everybody needs to take a break from one another at some point in life. maybe this is the time for me to be alone and prioritize. putting everything else above me is too much to bear. dragonboat is more important than myself. dragonboat is more important than my family, my health. i go for trainings be it rain or shine but. is my hardwork paying off? are my efforts being recognised? june race is everything that we have worked for. what if results dont show. what if i cant give a good pace and everything turns out crappy. MST is a burden hanging on my team mates' shoulders. seeing them study so hard for MST really makes me feel crappy. everyone else is studying yet i am here being all crappy. what should i say to make people know how i truly feel. maybe my command of the english language is not good enough and no one can understand my post. i feel like shit at times. i work. i slog my ass off during work. i earn money yet the money disappears in the blink of an eye. am i spending too much. am i not saving enough.
they think things wont get better.
they think they know whats good for me.
they think i am stupid.
they think i am crazy.
they think i am mad.
they think i am wonderful.
what they think is not what i think.
what they think is not what they see.
what they think is not what you feel.

i ask, the msgs i send. are they read? are they remembered? do they touch the heart and make the heart long for the sender? its been days, weeks since the last conversation. since the last meet up. since the last hug. since the last proper look in the eye. i ask, are those things not missed? are those things not longed for? maybe yes maybe no. but i wouldnt know. no idea how things are gonna turn out. no idea no idea no idea. i feel lost. small. and alone.