initiative to quarrel

it seems so weird that i quarrel with ayf over the smallest things ever. i remember there was this incident where we were on the train and then we were standing and then we just stood there. without moving. without holding hands or what. no hugs nothing. not even talking. then i got so annoyed. i was thinking. why couldnt he hug me or hold my hand or make an effort to talk to me? this is so frustrating. yes tired. yes busy. oh and guess what the most common excuse is? he was thinking of it all along, just that he didnt do it. how annoying can he get right. i like other people to take the initiative. i like people to hold my hand. you may think it is boring. but sometimes, its just the little things that matter. i know i may not always do things right. but! i know i do things right, at times, right?
heck. even i asked him to get together with me. (okay you earthlings can salute me now, what a brave soul i am.) but apparently he rejected me. HAHAHAHA-.- and then he asked me a few days later. it was a very sweet memory. why am i typing all these now? because a phone conversation with his sister made me recall all these. not that i have forgotten it all. i wonder, why did i start liking him. maybe it was because he had an infection on his right thigh the other time, then my heart ached for him. maybe it is a zodiac thing, i am cancer by the way. HAHA maybe my motherly instinct kicked in to yearn to look after him, yes, i think that was how i started liking him. or maybe the feeling was there long ago. but i never let it surfaced. HAHAHA! MM always says that if i meet ayf everyday, there will bound to be a break up soon. but i dont believe. i mean, how can anyone stand not seeing their love for such a long period of time. i cant imagine what i am going to do when he goes to NS(provided we last that long). ahhh! imagine meeting only once or twice a week. i will just kill myself and die please. nah, just joking. never really mentioned when did me and ayf get together. i do not want this to be such a self absorbed post. but i cant help it. anyway, it was on 4th of november. and yes, i know i kept you dbgirls in the dark for very long. but i just wasnt ready to tell other people. didnt want others to judge me. didnt want any comments. sorry! was pleasant the way he asked. 3rd november was Regatta. and i was rushing my proj through the night. he was sweet enough to wait up for me. by the time i finished, it was already 3 or 4 plus in the middle of the night. then we went to sleep together. what happened next is for me to know and for you to find out. *evil laugh* anyway. after we finished everything(whatever it may be), he asked me. when we were both so tired and sleepy. i was shocked. feeling scared that there may be other reasons as to why he asked. but. i agreed. HAHAHA!
to be continued............? anyway. i digressed alot on this post. was supposed to be a post about quarrelling, but whatever, HAHAHA(:

dear boy

Dear Boy,

I do love you. Maybe one day we will fall in love all over again. And we will discover how it felt when we first got together, during the period of Regatta. Trips to the esplanade after trainings, after dinner with the team mates. It's been 5months coming 6. I suppose things arent the way they were before. What can i do to salvage this whole thing?

Your friends think you dont deserve someone like me. My friends think that you have changed and therefore i dont deserve someone like you. But dont you think that we deserve the love that we share? The love we share is out of the world. I would very much love to be what you deserve. What you need. The person that keeps you going. I want you to be happy with me. I wish to be the one that can make you happy.

Maybe i deserve someone just like myself. Spoiled. Demanding. Stubborn. Overbearing. Annoying. And maybe a tad too proud at times. Not forgetting i am violent. And that when i talk, it seems like i am shouting. Any normal person wont be able to stand me. But i thought you were the one until one day, you went MIA. and things took a dip for the worst. Ahh. Maybe you secretly agree with them. Why are you sticking to a person like me when there are a thousand other girls out there who would worship you. Told you before, i cant be the perfect girl. Yeah why are you still with me. Every other girl out there is secretly in love with you (except maybe my db girls).

I wish i can be the right one for you. But i dont think i can be the right one for anyone. I mean. Who can stand my temper? Who can give in to me so much. Being with me is like a. Shit job. You can keep it up for a month. For two months. Three. Four. Five. Six. Or maybe a year. But can you keep it up for life? Maybe one day, i will be able to find someone who can. For now. I hope you are that someone and. Will continue to be.

But i want you to know. I still love you. More than ever. I know for sure the way i feel towards you. Its more than just a feeling. Its indescribable. I fucking love you, do you get it?

看不见你的笑我怎么睡得着.

I wish you were beside me to hug me to sleep through the night. Baby, you know i love you so.