to stay; or not to stay

this feeling of annoyance has been building up inside me. i am very sick of my life. i am very sick of crying. i am very sick of having hopes dashed. hopes are the last thing you should ever have because they vanish in an instant. i want to die. and be a ghost and roam around the earth. haunt you. haunt them. haunt me. preferably, a skinny ghost...........? okay forget it. i am not ready to die. unless you ask me to. by you, i dont mean you, or you. or you. i mean, You.....

lets talk about team. when i joined the dbteam, i never thought about quitting. even when my studies went down the drain. so fuck all the lcbs who quit halfway. and i am not talking about anybody. so dont be guilty.... this team, i feel is breaking up. not break up as in break up. but apparently, after the june race, i dont feel the bond there anymore. isit always like that? we drift apart after the races and when races are coming, we bond again? this is tiring. to bond and break. break and bond. why cant the bond stay strong? i am so tired.
apparently i have alot to say. but i shouldnt blog about anything close to my heart anymore cause, as i have said before, there are little eyes that spy and anything i say here, can be used as fucking evidence against me.
lets talk about anon taggers. want to tag, dont wanna leave name. for what fuck you tag? AA isit. no point la cause we also dont know who you are. so why not u put your name which is so sacred. and we can give you some credits. you want right, i got alot of time to entertain you. lcb. may your cb rot in hell. or if you are a guy, may your lj shrivel up and drop off on the night of your wedding.

monday, out with gwen. collected my measly pay. dinner at cafe cartel (which sucks to the max ah). wanted to catch a movie. but no slots. erm walked around until damn sian and camwhore like siao in public on the steps to marina square. got pb picts. pl picts. erm noob picts also. i think.... then went home. forgot what really happened..........

tuesday, trng day. thought it was a good day until coach came down and killed us. 7 bloody stations. 3 person per grp and a bloody 10 mins each. 100 calf raises. 180abshite. NAO HIAAA. home with east siders. walked home with new found bff HAHAHA. my legs and glutes hurt from the bloody lunges. bloody hell. anyway, must say coach is damn sexy can. HAHAHAHAHA his muscles........... pheewheet!! ohyaaaaaaaa and i think my bloody heart got problem. when we finished the warm up run and wanted to start on strides, then my heart started beating damn fast. damn hard. during the strides also beat like crazy. wth and then during pullups also keep beating damn hard and it felt like it was gonna fly out, no joke. can see the heartbeat and my chest was throbbing. it IS that serious.

wednesday, lunch at fc3, then the fruit juice jiejie say i become skinnier. wah! chao shuang! HAHAHA happy like... fuck? then out with gwen. far east, looking for a sundress to go tanning with. HAHAHA saw one. 30 bucks. who wanna donate money and get it for me. 30bucks niaaaaaa..... looks damn nice on me hehehe can give u exclusive rights to take picts with me in a dress. shite la. i think i am becoming like super gay. pam and dresses-_-! cine, wanted to catch a movie. knn the queue got problem. then gwen damn dulan. kobayashi for lunch with ice.
this is the part where i have to proclaim that i am not a butch. i am not butch. i am as straight as a paddle. and will remain as straight as a freaking paddle. cause i am still waiting to get married to ******** HAHAHA so get it into your head that i am not butch. do you understand not? i am as bitchy as can be. i am as girl as can be. i am not butch. what will the real butches think if i am a butch. i am too gay to be butch. i paint nails. i scream and squeal. i am not butch. knn. stop saying and insisting i am a butch okay, lcb. i am not a butch. not butch. not anywhere near being a lesbian. nao hia. and i do not discriminate butches. in fact, i do admire them. i salute them.
drill it into your head: pam is not butch X1000000000times (: okay when u are done, tell me then i say i love you...... HAHAHA.
then ice left for work. me and gwen went heeren to continue looking for dresses-.- cant find any nice ones. nabei. then walk walk walk slack slack slack and we very smartly went to forum macs to have dinner and i shelled out $6.05 for a bloody fillet o fish. too long never eat mac then i forget that got student meal. ahhhh knnbccbnnh.

thursday, trained to sch with denise. she commented my eyes look damn swollen. damn sian ah. HAHAHAHA. trngs are gonna be killerZXzxz. statics, endurance weights, pool, runs. nbcb. but coach coming down so its alright, i think..........